Blood test

Today is Leo's second blood test since ending chemo. We're hoping for good results, but I think both preparing for the worst. And that is the awful part of cancer - well, one of the many awful parts of cancer.  Aside from knowing that Leo (or any person or animal) is on borrowed time, there's the lingering dread around doctor appointments and the fear that any lump, cough, yawn, or sad look is the sign that 'this is it'. While a recurrence, at this point, would not be medically surprising, it would be personally surprising.  He's healthy, vital, and seems happy.  In fact, Leo's been spending a lot of time at my house, and seems quite content, whether he is chasing bally around, snacking on something from the store, making the bed, or just lying quietly on the couch, head on the pillows.

I am happy that I've been able to spend a great deal of time with him over the past month or two, especially after moving out here to Bushwick.  I've taken advantage of the days that the college was closed to spend more time on long walks, and he's been dropped off here a lot, as he's not so good at the store, but still wants to go if Luna and L are coming to the shop.  A local dog walker stopped me the other day and said that he's out more often than any dog she knows, including hers - and that made me happy.  I don't want him to be sitting inside, especially during this cold, crisp weather. And our walks give me time to think.
Of course, not all of that thinking is good.  I sometimes look at him and start to think about "what if?", and that becomes "what happens?" - nice, large, life questions.  I can't imagine his vitality gone, his life snuffed out.  There's so much energy, so much joie de virve, so much in him that it is hard to imagine the world without it.  And this, this is where I go sometimes on those walks. And where I go when he's going to the doctor.  But it's not all doom and gloom - I also think about where we can go on spring break, if he's well, and how we can do some camping or hiking somewhere, or when it will snow and we can make some snow angels.  And maybe, just maybe, he'll be in that long tail of remission where it's more than just a Year with Leo.