Final lap

I think we're nearing the end of our adventure with Leo.

He's certainly improved from Friday and yesterday. His appetite is better, he's got a little more energy - I mean, he tried to take me to the park this morning - and he just ... looks better.

But it's not really enough.

This last round of chemo really did him in. He's been ill. He's having terrible diarrhea (thankfully, it seems that he can control it, a little - no accidents at my house, unlike L!). The muscle atrophy that accompanies long-term prednisone use has really made a mess of his hind-quarters. He was struggling to get up before, now he needs a helping hand.

The biggest thing is that he's tired. He can't really get up well, and he doesn't really want to. I hope there's no pain - he'd never let me know - but he can't get around. We didn't make it to the park, although I think he wanted to. He ran out of gas 2 or 3 trees before, and decided to turn around. We will try again in a bit.

His quality of life isn't great at the moment. The vet has said he should get better. The real difficult questions here are when, for how long, and how much better? If his guts no longer hurt but he can't get up, is that better? If he can't go to the park, is that better? If he's marginally better for a few days before the lymph nodes kill him, is that better?

This is the hardest part. I am probably being selfish at the moment. But he seems... comfortable. Content. I think he knows that the end is near - or at least, he knows he's tired.  I've sat with him. I've told him he's always been a good boy. I've told him what he's meant to me - to us. I talked about the good times, camping and hiking and running in the snow and chasing the cats and playing with Luna. And I've cried. A lot.

I know that it's coming soon - heck, maybe it should have already. I need to put my wants and needs aside, and do what's best for him. It's going to be hard - it feels near impossible. But I need to be the person that he thinks I am. And that person would do the right thing when it's time.